Understanding Yourself and Loving Others More Intentionally…
Recently, I had a few minutes alone with my son and daughter separately during a couple of car rides.
I’ve found that some of the best conversations happen in the car. Maybe it’s because there’s no pressure. No eye contact. No agenda. Just time together.
We ended up talking about love languages.
What they are. Why they matter. And together, we discovered theirs.
We also talked about mine and their dad’s.
What surprised me most wasn’t their answers. It was realizing that I had been loving them through my love language.
Not theirs.
Most of us naturally give love the way we’d most like to receive it.
And honestly, that makes sense. For me, two of my strongest love languages are Words of Affirmation and Quality Time. No surprise there. I’m constantly encouraging my kids, building them up, and looking for opportunities to spend meaningful time together.
But during those conversations, I realized something.
My son and I both value quality time. Yet the way we experience it is completely different.
For me, quality time often looks like deeper conversation. Sharing thoughts. Learning more about one another. Connecting heart-to-heart. That’s exactly what we did during the first part of our drive.
But on the way home? His version of quality time looked completely different.
We listened to his favorite music, danced, laughed, and joked together in the car. No deep conversation. No agenda. Just being together. And it filled him up.
My daughter’s answer didn’t surprise me either. One of her strongest love languages is Receiving Gifts. As we talked, I realized that the thoughtful gift I often pick out for her may actually mean more than the heartfelt note I always attach to it.
Both are acts of love. But one speaks her language more clearly.
We also laughed about Acts of Service. The example that immediately came to mind (for both of them)? If I unloaded the dishwasher for them on one of their chore days. Suddenly, they were both very interested in love languages. LOL
That’s when I realized something important.
Love languages matter for so much more than marriage.
They help us understand ourselves.
And they help us love others more intentionally.
Reason #1: They Help Us Better Understand Ourselves
Many people are familiar with Gary Chapman’s concept of the Five Love Languages:
- Words of Affirmation
- Quality Time
- Acts of Service
- Receiving Gifts
- Physical Touch
(You may even have others that come to your mind… but this is a good start.)
But knowing your love language isn’t simply about learning a label. It’s about learning something about yourself.
What helps you feel appreciated?
What helps you feel valued?
What helps you feel connected?
What fills your emotional tank?
When we don’t understand those things, we can sometimes find ourselves feeling hurt, disappointed, overlooked, or even resentful without fully understanding why.
Awareness gives us language for what our hearts have been trying to communicate all along.
When we understand ourselves, we can communicate our needs more clearly, express them more confidently, and better understand what helps us thrive in relationships.
Reason #2: They Help Us Better Love Others
This is where the real shift often happens.
Because most of us naturally love others the way we’d most like to receive love ourselves. And while that’s usually done with the best intentions, it doesn’t always mean the other person feels loved.
Sometimes we’re speaking one language while they’re listening for another.
Loving others well isn’t only about showing love. It’s about learning how they receive it.
That’s true in marriage.
It’s true with our children.
It’s true with friendships.
It’s true with extended family.
It’s true in nearly every relationship we have.
When we begin to understand how someone experiences love most deeply, we can become more intentional in how we show up for them. And often, small shifts can make a surprisingly big difference.
Why This Matters Beyond Today
One of the things I love most about conversations like these with my kids is that they aren’t just learning about relationships today.
They’re learning skills they’ll carry into future friendships, workplaces, dating relationships, marriages, and families.
The ability to understand yourself. The ability to understand others. The ability to communicate what you need. The ability to recognize what matters to someone else.
Those are skills that strengthen relationships for a lifetime. And in many ways, they become part of the legacy we pass on.
Reflection Questions
Take a few minutes to reflect:
- Which love language do you believe describes what fills you up the best?
2. What helps you feel most loved, valued, and appreciated?
3. Have you clearly communicated that to the people closest to you?
4. What love language do you think your spouse, child, parent, or closest friend may have?
5. Are you loving them primarily in your language or theirs?
6. What is one small way you could intentionally love someone in their language this week? (Tip: If you don’t know, ask them! If you think you know… check in & confirm.)
Final Thoughts
Friend, understanding ourselves matters. But understanding the people we love matters too.
Sometimes the greatest shifts in relationships don’t come from trying harder.
Sometimes they come from learning to love more intentionally.
And often, that begins with one simple question:
“What helps you feel most loved?”
